B@db()o's Bl0gz

wen u juz can take it anymore

im sad...i tried to make myself happy but it juz never goes away. its been weeks since i lost a true person in my life and i admit i still can't get over it. i lost him not because of something that happened between us but because of the people around us. it hurts so bad until now. i am extremely sad that i do not know what to do anymore. i have people around me who make me smile but there will always come to a point where i cant escape it any longer. i try to cheer myself up though everything comes back to me. he was one of the people who made my stay here worthwhile. i used to believe that im here in the US to work and make money. he kind of showed me that i work to live, not the other way around. he showed me a lot of good things that i would have never experienced. he showed me real love and wat life really is all about. no pretensions, no show, no pride. and now i cant be with him. i made the decision and it hurts so bad. if it was just me, i will stay and continue to be happy with him. but i cant do that. it will be unfair to him if i stay since i cant be there for him whenever he needs me and he cant be with me too when i need him. its quite unfair because we live our lives without stepping on anybody's toes. we were there. we had it. but now its lost. i feel helpless. i cant do anything about this sad fact. i let him go and now i have to live with it. our lives are no longer one. it hurts so much because the people who you expect to want to see you happy are the ones who took it away from you. i guess they just wont understand what you're going through. i guess im just gonna be stuck in this sad world. im hurting and i cant do anything about it. i want to be there but i cant. i want to be myself, be with people i want to be but i cant. im stuck. i want happiness, i had it but i just had to give it away. im in love but i cant show it, not because i had no one to give it to, but because of people who think that what i feel is wrong and unreal. i was getting love but i had to avoid it. it  breaks so bad. strikes me deep. this is what im going through and i dont know if can still take it. 

differences

lesson learned...

its a trip...i cant help but smile...i thought everything was going to be over...but then realization comes...you gotta fight...we gotta fight it...and now im happy again...happier even...its all good...its not all glitter and gold...the week started with a bang. i was caught in the middle of something that i wasn't suppose to see. but it was right in front of me. i never dreamt of seeing such a sight. but i planned to face it eventhough it hurt. i remained calm, be the logical person that i am. if i just shrugged everything off, i would not be this happy and satisfied as i am today. people gotta experience the worst to feel how life can be so beautiful. i intend to stay...its a choice i made and i have to plans of letting it slip away again. i know myself, i know wat will make me happy, i know wat will make me complete, i know wat is best for me. wat is best myt not be the right thing to do, but still i have to face it, to stick to it not because i have to but because i choose to do so. i am a smart woman. i know wat im doing. if i get hurt in the process, i cant do anything about it. getting hurt is part of living. there is no perfect lyf, but lyf can seem perfect wen u know that you are happy with wat u got. i cant ask for anything more except peace of mind. trials will come that's for sure. but wen you feel that you are ready for the best and the worst as well, i guess that's wen u can tell yourself that you are ready to be a part of someone else's life. im a strong woman. this is my role. if anybody tries to challenge that, then do so. but remember, everything can backfire like a snake in the night...you nver see it coming but wen it hits you, its going to be bad and dangerous. and you can never blame anybody but yourself for causing you such pain and misery.   

wat does it really take???

it's sad...it's sad wen u think you are doing everything right, when you see yourself together with that one person, but then all of a sudden the world turns around on you. one minute you are smiling and the next, you do not even know what happened, like whole world is just a maze where you do not know where to go. at first it felt unreal. is this really happening???

i am young...i am spontaneous...i feel invincible sometimes...but i am not dumb...i am not insensitive...i know what is going on around me. i know what i want. i know when i'm not wanted. i can distinguish what is right from wrong. i try to make things right from the beginning. i do my best not only to please others but also to please myself. i work hard to be successful. i do not like fooling around. i like having fun without stepping on anybody. when i do please let me know so i can be a better person. i do not mean to hurt anyone, to make anybody feel taken for granted. i am hurting right now. but i can't let that hurt eat me up. this is a test, a challenge for my morals. the only way is up and forward...be better, be the best even. i know i can never turn back time...all i have is the future and that, i shall make the most out of.

losing something real, something you tried to fight for isn't easy. but that is how life is...u win some, u lose some...and then u win it back again. we are bound to lose things in this world...some we can take back, others are just too difficult have again, just like what we had before. i do not want to force myself to anybody. time will tell when i am ready and when i am, i sure hope that there is life waiting me still.

gud or bad...happy or sad...

this weekend has been full of surprises for me... holidays were coming up and i was doing my last minute xmas shopping... i spent tym with people who are special to me and had stimulating conversations... i was playing hide and seek with the world, which i still am, which game i believe i'm starting to loose... the weekend was tough...but christmas day is even tougher.

for a start, the food i ordered for the office did not come on tym... its all gud! i had orange juice for breakfast...thanks to a gud friend...i spent the day at work trying to figure out how to spend the holidays...how to make myself "merry" this christmas...people are ryt...it can be too depressing...getting text messages from friends and family back home made it worse...i miss christmas back home...where everyone is in the mood to smile and exchange gifts. its not too bad here though...you can also feel the christmas spirit...but it feels better wen you are with people you actually live your life with practically forever...you know wat i mean. i miss the church....the people you see at mass every year...the smell of burning leaves from the bibingka stand....people and children in their best clothes walking along the streets...i miss home...especially now...it made me happy though to hear from everyone...thinking that they never forgot about me...i appreciate it sooo much...if i can juz hug each one so tyt...i will do so to show how thankful i am for the christmas message.

tomorrow will be christmas day...i hope to spend it with a smile...i'll be seeing a few special people in my life tomorrow...i'm kinda nervous and excited at the same time. its gonna be alryt...

expectations...

thanksgiving is coming up...and i have a lot to give thanks for. life has been good to me...i was talking to a friend recently and i told him how god always gives wat i pray for...i juz realized it then... he's been so kind to me that i always have the things i want. sumtyms i don't even feel that i deserve all the blessing i get from above. but its all good. i juz always think that people get wat they deserve. nothing much has changed since my last blog. i still am happy...happier even. i see how i have matured. the problems i have now are not shallow. i think about my life and how i want to make the most of it. i have fun with people i wanna be with. i go to places i wanna go, experience new things with people whom i can learn from. i smile a lot these days...sumtyms i find myself juz smiling alone...u may find it crazy but for me that's real joy.

i can't explain it but i feel real happiness ryt now and this may be because i have less expectations. i do not expect people to be around. i do not expect for anything from anyone. the only person i expect something from is myself. i expect myself to be independent of other people. i expect myself to have fun juz being with myself. i am in the stage of my life where i wanna know myself. i wanna know what i really enjoy doing...not because people around me are doin the same thing. i wanna get to know the real charm inside. is it just a name or is there sumthing beneath the name that would really speak for itself? and i wanna know this through me, without anybody telling me what i should feel about myself. 

it's real nice to know that there's a person who appreciates you, your weakness, your strength, your beauty, your flaws, your wholeness. it feels good that there is someone whom you feel comfortable sharing your whole self to- no pretentions, no frontin, show pure imperfections. it's good to know that there is someone who will do things you never expect. its too good to be true. i try not to think too much about it. i am just happy. this may not last long so i am enjoying it as much as i can.

emotions...

its been a wyl! i was too busy that i never had the chance to update my blog! haay... everything's ok for us now...the fires in chula vista have died down a bit...thanks to the slow winds and the air tankers...although, san diego is still not fire-free...other parts are still experiencing fire and people are being asled to evacuate their home...sad but i pray everyone makes it.

these past few days have been great for me... went to six flags and enjoyed myself(i still need to upload our pics!). it was soo much fun! goliath is juz exhiliarating! tatsu is pure enjoyment...devaju is too much adrenaline...but throughout...it was fun...except for the fact that at the other side or the mountain, there are wild fires spreading out. but it was all good. wats better is me...im better now. i've accepted the lyf i have now...and im ready to face the future like this. it could have been better but honestly, i can't ask for more. i was focusing before on wat i do not have, which all the more made me feel miserable. i was trying to compare how things were and how things are that i forgot that i have options- the choice to be happy or not is all up to me, think of myself first before worrying about people who i thought care for me but is/are juz plain frontin it. too much talk, less actions....too much plans, never realized... but still i am thankful though... both laughter and tears can't be bought... both joy and sadness is priceless.

i'm happy ryt now... im more confident in expressing how i really feel... im still shy around people though juz like before but im more open to a few i choose to open up to. i like it wen people make me smile...especially wen they are funny because they talk about the truth. i like sweet honesty... i like being controlled with boundaries... i like the feeling of being appreciated... i like making myself feel... i've been numb for sooo long! this is how it feels like... and that's enough for me. nothing more... that's it. smiling... and i am satisfied...

sad, fun, all emotions are in...

the week has been crazy... jus as we are already getting sumwhere  as we start new here, as things are finally little by little taking their right direction, sumthing bad happens...ryt now, i dont want to think about anything anymore. i dont want to keep myself from moving forward juz because people around me choose to go the opposite direction. i need to control myself. i need to think about me, my future and what i want to do with my own life. life is about making the ryt choices, doing wat you think is the ryt thing to do. i believe that all of us, regardless of age or watever, are responsible for our own actions. its not everyday that sum1 around us will make things ryt for us. lyf isn't that easy. we have to fix our own mess, be responsible for our own mistakes. we shouldn't give the burden of solving all of lyf's problems to the people who we know have always been there for us. everyhting has to end. there will always come to a point wen there will be no one to cling on. and wen that happens, u only have yourself to blame for not learning how to stand on your own feet while there are still people who can teach you how.

now the fun part...

work has been good to me these days. im getting comfortable with the work i do and the people i work with. i'm now sumhow looking forward to getting to work everyday, but most certainly, i'm looking forward for my bday! hehehhee

my bday is coming up next week..i dont know wat to do yet! i have work on my bday, and the day after. i have a wedding to attend that weekend and by the time i'l be free, there will be work again the next day. i wanna have fun, go to the beach and drink till i forget everything! heheheh! i havn't felt that drunk for a while now. its funny because i see the pacific ocean everyday at work but i have never been to a beach since i got here. its insane! i wanna party, got out, meet people but i juz dont know how. i feel too tired to go out though. i cant understand my self hehehe. my fun tym will come. maybe im not allowed to party yet. but wen i do, it'll be extreme. i promise.

my prayer....

dear god...thanks for all the blessings you continiously give me each day. i feel very lucky with everything that's been going on with my life ryt now. thank you so much. i know that you know wat is best for me. inspite of everything you have been blessing me with these days, i admit there are still things that i want that i don't have. i realize that you have your reasons why i cant get wat i want. i give it all up to you. i know you know wats best for me, and that best things don't come easy. please give me the strength-to keep my job, my decent life, my family, my friends, my sanity and my self.

dear jesus...thanks for everything. i have always felt you are beside me in everything i do. i feel you. you remind me everytime about the decisions i make, but u know me, i am stubborn and hard-headed. i always do wat i want eventhough i know wat i should be doing to make things better ryt. now i want to change. i leave it everything to you. i will quit trying too hard to get wat i want. i will just let you lead me to the ryt direction, which i believe is the direction i am into ryt now. i know i am not perfect but i believe that this is the person i had been wanted to be before. please give the will to maintain myself, or even make things better for me. there will always be tyms wen i would choose to go back to the past but please lord, help me overcome it.

mama mary...i always pray for you for special intentions. now i have this problem, which i know u know for years now. mama mary, you are a woman too and u know wat i am feeling ryt now. grant me the peace of mind that i should have had even before.

my guardian angel...please stay close to me and to everyone who are important to me. thanks for keeping me safe always.

better off like this...

nakakatawa ang buhay...i was watching maalaala mo kaya...hindi ako mashado nanood nito sa pinas dati kasi sobrang gabi na pero ngayon kung kailan ako andito na sa "tate," as shan would call it, (shet i miss him and his funnyness!) ngayon ako naging masugid na manonood. hahaha... nakakatouch ang story this week... talagang feel mo na pede mangyari kahit sino sa atin. ganun nga siguro talaga...mga bagay na matagal mo ng gustong gawin, pero pag nasa harap mo na... you would think na your life would be better off without it... mo matter how passionate you are about wat you want, there are tyms when you would rather choose to be smart than be happy... sobrang minsan lang kasi nangyayari na masaya kang gawin ang tama. kalimitan kasi sa buhay, ang maling gawain ang mas madaling gawin. sa buhay ko, lagi kong gusto maging masaya! i like to smile, to laugh out loud, to talk about silly stuff... i'm not good at handling sadness...kaya natatakpan ito ng mga ngiti sa mukha ko. pero i think tapos na ako sa phase na gus2 ko happy lahat. i don't want to give in to my passion/s anymore. i'll choose to be smart, juz like how i really am... i know i am...mayabang na kung mayabang pero no matter how stupid other people myt see me, i know myself. i will think hard about my choices in lyf. ayoko i-grab lahat ng mga good things na darating sa buhay ko kasi alam ko na ang lahat ng magagandang bagay, may kapalit. ayoko ma-influence ng environment ko where everyone wants to have everything.

im not pretty and im not rich, and im not trying hard to be. i'm not saying i dont want to be one. that would be hypocracy. i'm just happy being myself, being my plain, old me...